Church of Understanding

Spiritual Leadership

 

In spite of the over enthusiasm of my grandparents and dad, most of my life my inadequacies have been reinforced. That came not only from 13 years of emotional abuse, but unfortunate interactions with society. In spite of the negativity, I have a high sense of worth and purpose. Like so many characters of the Christian bible, no matter how deep my sense of purpose, I have doubted my ability to carry it out.

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Looking back at my life, one might expect it to be things of the past that has kept me so hesitant, and though those things may have an influence, they are not the reason. Most of my life I have served my purpose, even without knowledge or intent but revelation only through after-thought. When others specifically stated I should become more aggressive in my calling, I have been hesitant. It is not a lack of ability that does it; I have eyes that see and they have seen the truth of what comes to me even without effort. This tells me there is something to this.

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But in my experiences, I have made it a point to observe others. It seems that humans cannot help but criticize others, and the more important their goal, the more critical others are. It happens with politics every day. For Spiritual leaders it is even more intense. I already know that my beliefs are subject to hatred; things that do not conform usually are. By starting the Church of Understanding, I have not only opened my beliefs up for criticism, but my self as well.

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This is truly what has held me back. I understand humans expect some version of perfection from their leaders, especially Religious ones. There is no room for mistakes or errors of judgments, nor even the humanity of emotions. Every single thing I write, say and do are subject to response from non-believers as well as believers. Most people use their own belief system for a standard of judgment even at their most generous, and my life does not conform to the standards of any one I know.

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But it does conform to the standards I express; and that is what I should be judged on. In my imperfection, I make each decision based on what I hold to be true. For as long as I do that, I feel like no human has the right to pass negative banns over me, but I also know that they will. People have difficulty accept imperfection, and they have an even harder time accepting the idea that what is "Right" for one individual can be "Wrong" for another. This ambiguity will also give the appearance that I have stepped out of line at times. My need to be human and experience the fullness of my emotions and appreciation for each moment will also cause conflict.

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This past weekend, someone who loves me stated that my writing says one thing, but my actions say another. I understand this because I choose to be honest in the moment. I maintain my judgment at that moment even in the face of this criticism. I am a human with human affections and imperfections. I am not a divine spirit capable of eliminating my personal emotions for the sake of the greater good. When I serve individuals I am not close to, I may be very apt at setting my personality aside for the sake of serving my calling, but I am exceptionally poor at doing so when it is someone I love.

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That does not mean that I do not overcome my personal responses. Indeed, I have recently discovered that my aversion is strong enough to elicit physical response, and yet I endure, because, in my humanity, I know I do not have perfect understanding and at least attempt to not judge. Yes this is contradictory, but most things in life are every bit as befuddled. This is just another reason for my assurance that there is a divine being greater than humans directing this mess. Too many things turn out well in the end that seemed to be horrific or at least unsolvable to begin.

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I may not like your judgment of me, but I do understand it. All I ask is that you try to understand me as well, and know, without a doubt, that I truly try to live according to my statement of beliefs. They may not be your beliefs, but I don't hold that against you either.